Negative feelings and insecurity stem from a childhood spent with a narcissistic mother. The thought of passing on the dysfunctional behaviours and trauma that have persisted through generations terrified me each and every time I thought about becoming a mother. To break the cycle and offer my children the unconditional love that was denied to me, I am practising self-compassion, building support systems, and healing my inner child.
Growing up with a narcissistic parent can leave significant emotional scars. As the "scapegoat" child, singled out for constant criticism and abuse, you may have spent your childhood continually striving for your mother's acceptance and affection, but nothing was ever enough.
My own narcissistic mother's cruelty and lack of affection instilled deep fears in me that continue to this day. I never felt good enough, no matter how hard I worked or how much I did. There was an emotional disconnect, a separation, that kept me from really experiencing love and joy.
Now that I'm a mother, old wounds are reopened in new ways. Despite my best attempts, I occasionally notice elements of my mother's harsh parenting behaviours in my own. The critical inner voice speaks up, making me question my worth as a mother. "You're not doing this correctly. You will never be good enough. You're causing problems for your children in the same way that your mother caused problems for you."
My continual fear is that I will carry on generational pain and make the same mistakes with my children. I never want them to feel the way I did: unwanted, unimportant, and like a disappointment. But the previous videos kept playing in my head, making me doubt every decision and conversation.
Breaking the cycle and recovering from narcissistic abuse is a constant battle. But I am working on showing myself kindness rather than harsh judgment. I remind myself that I'm doing my best and that my children deserve to witness a mother who loves herself. I'm gradually reconciling with my inner child and allowing myself to experience the pure love I was denied.
If you're in the same situation, be kind to yourself. Surround yourself with people who will lift you up. Consider seeking counselling to help you process your pain and negative self-talk. Most importantly, understand that you can halt generational dysfunction in its tracks by doing better than you endured. We may have had imperfect beginnings, but we can surely provide our children with a childhood and adulthood filled with self-love and emotional freedom.
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