The Discard Phase, Triangulation, and desperate attempts to find new sources of narcissistic supply impede the grieving process when a narcissistic parent loses a spouse. The narcissist's "grief" drives a wedge in the family as the children vie for attention and caregiving responsibilities rather than bringing them closer together in the face of common grief. When a narcissist puts their ego before the suffering of their children, healthy grieving becomes unattainable.
The traditional response to a parent's death is for the family to gather and comfort one another. However, that feeling of family unity is frequently broken when you have a narcissistic mother.
I had hoped that my mother would do her best to help my siblings and me adjust to life without my father after he died in 2020. Instead, my mother let her narcissism get the better of her and pushed my siblings and me farther apart.
The Discard Phase
As a young child, I could see the warning signals of the "discard" period that many narcissistic children go through. I was gradually pushed out and made to feel like an outsider as my brother and sister were appointed as my mother's carers and new sources of supply.
My mother began purposefully excluding me from family visits and events, even though my home is geographically the closest to where she lives. She spoke highly of my siblings' support for her, she said to me in a condescending tone, "You should be more like your sister." Being in my childhood home became more and more uncomfortable due to the subtle digs and triangulation.
A Narcissist's "Grief"
Can a narcissistic parent experience a healthy and appropriate form of grief after the loss of their spouse? From what I've seen, that's not the case. Losing a loved one isn't the main motivating factor; rather, it's the loss of their primary source of narcissistic supply, even though they may experience genuine sadness at times.
As a result of my father's death, my mother's "grief" took the form of an intense desire to have someone else validate her fabricated reality and satisfy her insatiable appetite for praise. She did not rely on her children for mutual comfort; instead, she used us to feed her ego by setting us up to compete for her favour.
When the "glue" that held the dysfunctional family system together is no longer there, the survival mechanisms of the narcissist go into overdrive. My mother turned every situation into an opportunity to satisfy her demands and anxieties rather than address the suffering of her children. That, in essence, is her "grief."
I have grieved in isolation away from my family and it has been a struggle. But now I see that my mother's narcissistic behaviours will be reinforced if I cling to the idea she will ever be the mother I imagined or wanted her to be. Although there's another loss to grieve, the prospect of freedom brings with it a glimmer of hope as I grieve the parent I truly deserved.
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