Narcissistic mothers criticise and undermine their children's way of doing things because they believe their way is better. Narcissists will often compare you to others and give you unwanted "advice" when you are the scapegoated child. You can tell the difference between a narcissist's projections and their real life by realising that their projections come from an idealised view of themselves as a parent.
Narcissistic mothers often have inflated views of their parenting abilities, as any child of a narcissistic mother will testify to. Because no one else can compare to her wisdom, she considers herself to be the last word on childrearing. Because of her arrogance, she has no problem sabotaging your parenting attempts.
I can't tell you how many times my narcissistic mother has given me her "advice" as the scapegoated child. She makes it seem like I'm in dire need of her advice so I don't ruin my children, yet it never arrives when I ask for it. The irony is that I have unlearned so many damaging tendencies due to her poisonous parenting approaches, that I never sought her guidance.
She frequently makes comments that are subtly critical of my parenting style by drawing comparisons to the ways of a preferred sibling. "What a clever idea! Your sister put the first aid box on the wall and it's got a key..." Because narcissistic mothers have a preference for certain children over others, her message is very clear: my way is wrong and my sibling's way is right.
When she's not comparing my parenting skills to others, she'll accuse me straight out of the blue of failing to see warning signals of a medical problem and insist that I take my child to the doctor immediately. Her unwavering belief that I'm a failing parent who can't see the obvious causes these moments of frantic doomsaying. Subtly disguised as care, they are attempts to exert control.
Everything stems from her distorted view of herself as a perfect mother. Being a mother has been her life's greatest accomplishment and taught her invaluable lessons. She is quite vulnerable to having her fragile identity eroded by any perceived flaw in my parenting. Therefore, to sustain her skewed notions about her exceptional parenting skills, she feels compelled to criticise, compare, and moralise.
No matter how many times we become parents ourselves, the parenting judgements that plague us as scapegoated children of narcissistic parents will never end. However, by understanding that her comments are driven by her desire to be perceived as an ideal parent, we can distinguish between her harmful projections and our own genuine endeavours to be a good parent.
Overcoming Undermining
We shouldn't let a narcissistic mother's destructive projections undermine our self-esteem as parents, no matter how hurtful her judgements are. It could be helpful to establish clear boundaries regarding the types of advice that are appreciated and those that are not. A prepared response, such as "I'll let you know if I need anything, but I have this under control," will effectively silence the unwanted parenting advice. However, it may also enrage her. You must remember that you are the parent and she is not. It's much easier for her to undermine you when she feels she has already raised you, and successfully so, despite her attempts to sabotage your self-esteem at every hurdle.
Most importantly, when the narcissist attacks our self-confidence, having supportive people around us may provide us with the reassurance and reality checks we need. This support can come from friends, a parenting group, or even internet groups. We can drown out her distortions with feedback from healthy sources. Instead of fighting her delusions, we should stand firm in our own parenting facts.
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